life

wow.  over a year since i've written anything.  basically 2016 sucked big pink donkey balls except for my wedding which was awesome. :-)

since i live my life out loud on social media, i feel like writing here is redundant.  like, how many times can you hear me tell the same story?  (hush)  so i decided to just write about what's been on my mind, what's bugging me, what's stressing me, just write and get out the words i need to puke out.

i'm not planning on sharing this link on facebook, so i doubt this will even get read, but the point is to write.

all in all, life is good.  really, incredibly good.  i am blessed beyond belief with my husband,  family and friends, a beautiful home and animals that i adore.  i feel like my life reads as a fairy tale, and that's probably true.  but nobody's life is perfect all the time.  nobody.

i'll start with...

politics

something i never paid attention to before.  and something that i rarely post about on facebook.

anyone who knows me knows i'm a big ol' liberal with a big ol' heart.  compassion is still a new feeling for me.  i didn't have a compassionate heart until sobriety in mid-2009... so it still amazes me each and every time my compassion is touched.  i don't take it for granted.  i guard it fiercely.  and i'm not ashamed to show it to everyone.

so obviously i'm not happy with the current state of affairs.   i didn't unfriend hundreds of people (i hid quite a few, LOL), in fact i've only blocked one person since the election.  i would read the trending news and  i would expand comments to try and figure out what they saw in him.  how they could possibly support him.... and you know what i found?  yes, lots of name calling and brutal words used against strangers and friends alike.  but i also read comments that sounded exactly how we sounded only about us.  literally the exact same things... they felt as strongly as we did, but just the opposite.

and they were just as hurt as i felt. we're the same.

the amount of pain in this world right now is palpable.  you can see it and taste it... so many black auras... so much hate and anger.

and then charlottsville happened.  and that was the straw... i knew something would be the straw that motivated me into having a voice.

my view is simple.  any white supremacy group is bad.  i don't care that there was a permit, i don't think that permit ever should have been issued.  i don't believe in giving hate a voice.  gatherings should be abolished.  there's no reason for them to exist.

i got pissed when dt didn't name them.  when he placed blame on all sides.  sorry... don't agree. there are no sides here.  they don't get a side.  they are hate.

i got pissed again when he read a script with better words than the first time because now it's too late so why even bother..

and i got really pissed when his third statement finally showed his true feelings because... bigot...

an british friend of mine said to me "over here many of us feel like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, it doesn't seem to matter what he does."

i explained to her that it's not a matter of 'damned if he does or doesn't' - it's that he always does the wrong thing first.  always. and we rail at him. so then if he does finally do the right thing or say the right words, it's too little, too late.

ah... politics.  sad state of affairs.

so there's stress in all that, worrying if we're going to get nuked, worrying how far putin really has gone, worrying about another war, worrying if there's going to be another civil war...

and addiction.

we have active addiction as an ongoing part of our lives, both families.  it has ripped the families apart.  our hearts are in a constant state of 'when is the phone call coming?'.

i have nothing more to say on that subject.  anyone that has lived it understands.

and health.

it's been a rough twelve months.  i'm finally feeling back to normal in most cases, my back is so much better, but still a daily thing to deal with.  the thing that helped the most after trying everything?  yoga.  stretching.  walking.

it was an expensive year doctoring.  which brings me to...

insurance.

why the phuck does it have to be so expensive?  we're at the point where we aren't going to be able to pay these premiums much longer.  in november i will be forced to choose a horrible plan just to save money... going without isn't an option.  the two of us pay almost $1,500 each month for coverage... and that's not even the greatest of coverage.  high copays... lots of denials... where will it all end?

art.

i slowly churn out creations.  the osteo-arthritis in my hands, and mystoopid lower back  limits me, but doesn't stop me.  for every day i spend in the studio, i spend a day recouping.  so i go in for short spurts until pain hits.  the limitations are an aggravation but not a wall.

what it has shown me is that my vision of being a profitable working artist needed to shift in a new direction.  i'm still creating.  i will always create.  i will still put my pieces up for sale, and vendor a festival when i desire.  but i physically can't do what i would need to do to live on that income.

and i'm finally ok about that.  i stepped back from the birdhomes   they were successful and i enjoyed them until i didn't anymore.  will i make someone a birdhome if they ask?  of course! i have a ton of blank stock... LOL

so i added art into my stress list because the shift in my soul was a slow, painful realization and process.

cannabis.

just legalize it everywhere for goodness sake.  it's a ridiculous argument to even be having.

so........there's just some of the things on my mind.  i'm not losing sleep over any of them... yet.

i'm concentrating on the good stuff.  my husband.  my home.  my bonus kids.  my bonus grandbaby. my animals. my family and my friends.  the magic patio.

this is logan.  :-)