Saturday, December 29, 2012

book of days... bookbinding!

I am about to start Book Of Days with Effy Wild.  Very excited about it, and was stoked to be able to learn how to do bookbinding in Boot Camp on Wild Soul Arts.  I have been wanting to learn this art for a LONG time but was intimidated.  Watching Effy do it step by step made it less ascary...

Gathered my supplies, watched the videos and ... voila.  My own art journal, ready to start the class....

I realized too late that the ribbon closure would cover my 'book of days' writing, but oh well, I'll have to live with it.  And yes, the eyes are a photocopy of my Serenity drawing... 

and ...  I didn't even bleed on it.


that's her name.  I see serenity in her face, her eyes...

The other night I felt like creating, but didn't feel like getting out all my markers... I felt a call to just use my pencil and white bristol paper... and of course my kneadable eraser.  (best.invention.evah.)

Sometimes it's good to get back to basics.  Keeps you grounded in the important foundations.

Serenity emerged quickly.  She must have been chomping at the bit to get out of my fingers and soul.  

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

35 years.

This is going to be one of those 'life' posts where I throw in a little art at the end just so I can justify talking about life on an artsy blog.

When I was 8 years old, my father was killed in a fire on Christmas Eve.

That pretty much took care of the Christmas Spirit for me - I have not been a fan of this holiday since then.  I fake it yearly, and some years I don't even fake it WELL.  I tend to become whiny and bitchy - bah humbug to the max.  I feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity.  Toss in years of alcoholism, and you pretty much have an idea of what my Christmas's were like.

From the years of 8 until 20, I was under my mother's roof and did what she requested of me on Christmas.  Wasn't the happiest of times for her either, and she shared her birthday with Christmas Day.  But we'd visit relatives and friends, have company...

The moment I got married, and moved into my own home, I decreed that I would not leave my house on December 25th.  My family and my  in-laws came to US.  It became our norm.  It also allowed me to start drinking in the morning, without having to worry about getting somewhere other than my couch.

For 35 years I did not step into a vehicle, or leave the general vicinity of my home on Christmas Day.  My friends knew that if invited to their homes, I wouldn't come.  The exception to this was walking next door to our neighbor's home for drinks and prezzies.  With my house in my line of sight, I was fine with that.

I cannot totally explain WHY I couldn't leave, and by the end of the 35 years it was certainly a COULDN'T not a wouldn't.  It owned me.  I think deep down I felt that if I left, I wouldn't come back.  My father didn't come back.

Sobriety didn't change this obsession with staying home.  

This year I wanted, truly WANTED to change my attitude toward this holiday.  I was coasting on a cloud of serenity for weeks prior.  The hurricane, its devastating  aftermath... the horrific shooting in Connecticut, both played a part in giving me a wake-up call.   That others had it so much worse than I did.  That if I stepped back and looked at my life, what was there to complain about? Absolutely nothing.

And I rode that serenity cloud into December 25th.  Which was a Tuesday this year.  My favorite AA meeting is my Tuesday  night meeting.  This is my home group, and just a magical meeting.  And they were having the meeting... which I normally never would have considered attending on this day of 'never leaving my house'.

But the thought was in my head all day long - and by evening when my family left I knew I needed to be at this meeting.  My soul was calling out for it - and I knew the only way to shut it up was to give it what it needed.

Without a thought I ran a brush through my hair, pulled on my boots and coat... mittens... grabbed my purse and keys and walked outside my house.  And about halfway down the sidewalk, the shakes started.   I almost dropped my keys, that's how hard my  hands were shaking.  I was starting to gulp air... and about the time I opened my car door, I was in a full blown panic attack.  I sat in my car, started it up... and said hello to the first attack I'd had in months... I acknowledged it, I accepted it, and I ignored it. 

The enormity of what I had just done slammed into me like a mack truck.  I left the house.  I left my street.  I couldn't see my  house anymore.  I shook.  I vibrated.  I hyperventilated.

I walked into that beloved church basement, looked at the few people that were there, people that I love and trust with all my heart... and the shakes stopped.  I shared that evening about what I did, about breaking 35 years of chains.  There were tears from some of my friends as I spoke, but I didn't cry.

I didn't cry until I got back in my car at the end of the hour.  I proceeded to cry and shake my way home.  Relief?  Fear?  Who knows.

But I made it home.  I didn't fail to come back.  I came back home.  Those chains don't own me anymore.

and here.   Here's a snowman I made for my sister-in-law.  ;-)

Sunday, December 16, 2012

i am not a mother...

i never have been, i never will be.  i do not know what a mother's love feels like.  i only know what i've been told - that it's deeper than any other love, that it never ends, that it's unconditional. 

i don't know what kind of unimaginable pain it must be to lose a child.  i can't compare it to anything in my life. 

i do know that i was deeply saddened and horrified by the killing of 20 small children this past friday.  my heart ached for them, and for the parents they left behind. 

last night i grabbed my sketchbook and pencil and drew what i was feeling inside my soul.  godspeed...

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

addiction. art journaling in the round...

no, not that kind.  although there's been plenty of that in my life.  LOL  no, addicted to circles, mandalas and art journaling... something I NEVER liked doing before. 

I wrote out my daily affirmations in a circle.  they just flowed... a touch of color, and VOILA.  Done.

This is what it says inside the circle:

i am enough. i am brave. i am me. i am strong. i am authentic. i am ready. i am an artist. i am awesome. i believe in godwinks. i am filled with gratitude. i love to laugh. i am a reflection of my friends. i choose to surround myself with love, laughter and people who are filled with life. i need daily conscious contact with my higher power. i try to create art every day. i am blessed beyond belief. i am me just me only me and nobody else. i take one day at a time and at the end of the day i give thanks. i am a work in progress and i must remember to claim progress not perfection. i like to surround myself with strong confident women. i treasure silence. i value my spirituality and sobriety over any material possession. i hope to bring light to darkness and joy to sadness. i am a brave girl and a rebel thriver. i believe love filled hugs are a gift from god. god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Book Of Days...

I have been very privileged to become friends with the amazing Effy Wild... and I am looking forward to her Book Of Days class starting at the end of the month...

Use code iheartyou at checkout for $20.00 off... so the entire class is only $40.00!!!!

Click me to learn about Book Of Days with Effy!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Monday, December 3, 2012


I'm hooked.  I have an addictive personality to begin with (stop rolling your eyes) and I do tend to obsess and become consumed with things.  (stop laughing at me)

I won a spot in Dion Dior's Wisdom Circles class.  There's a button to the right somewhere ----> you can click it to get more info.

I've been intrigued with mandalas for a while now, and the class came at the perfect time.

I'm just starting out, just learning... but enjoying it SO much. Excellent meditation...

These are my dream mandalas.. I have a repeating image that comes out - flame, wings and eyes...

Saturday, December 1, 2012

My Word... 2013

For many years my friends and I have chosen a word for the year, and then do our best to LIVE that word.  I always chose very safe words - like 'focus' or 'create'... and then for 2012 I got serious (seriously CRAZY) and chose... "Badassery".

That was the best word EVAH - and I lived it all year long.  This has been one badass year.  I think every single person should choose Badassery at least once in their lifetime...

Since I enjoyed my word so much this year, I didn't want a 'let down' for 2013.  I wanted to keep the momentum going.  I thought and thought... and kept getting drawn to the word "fire".  For most of my adult life I have felt like there was a flame inside my soul.  I can see it, I can feel it.  There have been many times that I felt that flame was being dimmed - by myself, by my alcoholism, by other people and situations.

I kept letting other people control my flame. 

No more.

Instead of accepting someone or something trying to dim that flame, I will fight to keep it burning.  I will surround myself with faith in a higher power, sobriety,  the love of family and friends, people that will add kindling to that flame, not try to snuff it out.  I will not sabotage myself or my flame with thoughts of  "I can't" or "I'm not good enough" or "Why bother"...

Watch out 2013 - cuz... this girl is on fire